A Thousand and One Uses For A Worthless Diet Book

[Ritarh]

Ok, here is my input.  I have a diet book holding up one of my couch legs!!! It never worked for me, but it sure makes a good leg for my couch.  Luckily my couch has a skirt on it so you can't see the book!!  LOL!

[Gemini the Younger]

1.   Pressing flowers (Gemini the Younger)
2.   Propping Table leg (Gemini the Younger)
3.   Toilet paper (mom)
4.   Fire starter (mom)
5.   Donate - does this qualify as a use (isthis4me)
6.   Make a bonfire (Mary)
7.   Build a Tower of Babel replica in Sunday School (Mary)
8.   Shred for green packaging (Mary)
9.   Make art journals (LittlePrincess)
10.   Build a Wall of Jericho replica in Sunday School (Gemini the Younger)
11.   Make Origami (Gwennaford) http://dev.origami.com/diagram.cfm
12.   Make paper beads (Gwennaford) http://www.suite101.com/lesson.cfm/18889/2241
13.   Disposable step stool (AnnieR)
14.   Clean gum off shoes (Lizzy)
15.   Use instead of sandbags to hold back flood waters (Mary)
16.   Coloring books for the daycare kids (BabyAustin)
17.   Put in time capsule for a laugh about the Atkins low carb lifestyle boom (Mary)
18.   Insulate dinners to take to church functions (mom)
19.   Keep spills off the back seat of your car (mom)
20.   Cut out the letters to make anonymous notes to the authors that they need to get a clue. (Gwennaford)
21.   Use to paper train the puppy (Gwennaford)
22.    Megaphone (Mary)
23     Paper crowns from cardboard covers for Dual Ditzes' Coronation (Gem)
24.   Shred them for filler for planter pots (Mom)
25.   Send em back from whence they came (Kathie)
26.   Sell them on Ebay with a disclaimer that if they really want one that is great AND works they should order "LDL" (Beth)
27.   Brickbats to throw at GEM'S Doctor (Lisbeth)
28.   Substitute couch leg (Ritarh)
29.   Glue books together to make spectator's bleachers for Coronation of the Dual Ditzes (Mary)
30.  Shred to make hula skirts to be worn with coconut bras at Coronation of the Three Ditzes. (EnJay)

GEM...Booked on the

[Gemini the Younger]

I am making enormous vats of Roasted garlic & butternut squash soup, Pizza soup, and 5,000 individual Tamale Pies.  Do you think that will be enough food for the momentous occasion of our coronation, sis?

Yummers!  You've made all my favorites.  According to Gwen, dear sibling, we now have 4000 members and change.  So I think you've provisioned the fete most generously, with plenty of extra LDL treats to feed the hordes of news media sent from round the world to cover the Coronation.  I am sorry you've had to do all the work.  Let me do my share by handling cleanup after the event.  Don't even think "green."  It's paper and plastic everything--serveware, plates, bowls, cups, glasses, napkins, cutlery...  We can be environmentally responsible when it's your turn to clean up.

In the UK, there is a popular picnic food called "coronation chicken" which is like a curried chicken salad that was originally created for the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II.  I think we'll have to whip up a batch of that once I've re-invented the recipe to be Let's Do Lunch compliant too.  Plus we will have a truck load of watermelons, carved in half with zig zag lines to look like royal crowns for all to enjoy.  What a celebration we're going to have!!!

You precious Ditzer!  You think of everything!  I know you're familiar with the custom of cutting a plug from a melon, spiking it, replacing the plug, and letting the melon "ripen," (on the wine, not on the vine) so to speak.  You could do that (Not me; I'm in charge of cleanup.) and after our guests finished eating their melons, they'd be tipsy enough to wear their rind crowns.  It would be ever so festive, don't you agree?  And it would keep all those noggins from getting dinged (or sunburned) during the watermelon seed spitting contest if everyone was wearing their crown helmets.

Instead of bleachers, we can glue together more of the darned useless diet books to line Main Street so everyone can watch the Dual Ditzes' Coronation in comfort.  Now let's see....is that use #27 for those darned books, or am I just being downright ridiculous now?! 

Done.  See official list.  Ridiculous?  You?  Moi?  Never!!

Do you want to do this in your hometown, or would you like to host this event down here in the FL Keys where I live? We can't do it THIS weekend in Key West, because it's the annual Ernest Hemingway lookalike competition down there this week.  The streets are filled with guys with pot bellies and bushy white beards.  I'm not joking.  It  happens every year.  We can't have those bearded men upstaging our royal gala.  Just let me know your ditzy thoughts, my dear!

Your home town my twin twinkie.  Too much trouble to transport all the food.  Even at the risk of being upstaged.  (We could tell people that all those guys were auditioning for the part of the King Coroner.  Whoops?  Is that the right term for the king who does the crowning, or is it more like  a term of rank for the head pathologist?)  Well, never mind.  Lets us just concentrate on...partying!  And eating our desert first--Double Ditz Delight a la mode.  You do have the recipe?
Mary

GEM...Booked on the

[Gemini the Younger]

Upon my return, ain't nothin' gonna stop me from painting those coconuts pink and getting ready for our coronation gala extravaganza!  (By the way, NJ's going to join us as the strawberry blonde.  You can't have too many berries with Let's Do Lunch, can you?!)

Love,
Mary

You betcha NJ's joining us as the Strawberry Blond; we couldn't have it any other way now that she's outed herself as a combination closet comedienne and ditz.  Everytime I get myself back under control, I think about that series of posts and start laughing all over...a "coconut blond!"  Oh, NJ.  Another crown and scepter coming right up...and I'm painting it hot pink...  "Strawerries..."  Love ya, Ditzter!


GEM...Booked on the

[EnJae]

Gem said "Love ya, Ditzter!"
[What!? You love Little Mary's husband Ditzter?!?!? Oh, WAIT! He's not Ditzter; he's Dexter!]

[Gemini the Younger]

Gem said "Love ya, Ditzter!"
[What!? You love Little Mary's husband Ditzter?!?!? Oh, WAIT! He's not Ditzter; he's Dexter!]

I didn't know that, NJ...oh!  Dexter?  I could have made such a big faux pas!!!  Especially since I didn't even know Mary's married.  When you've been a widow as long as I have, (sometimes I even print WIDOW across the OCCUPATION line on applications) you tend to see the whole world in singles.

Thanks for all the laughter!  Now I gotta go work on your crown...I'm having a lot of trouble gluing on all those Flamingo Pink coconuts...



GEM...Booked on the

[EnJae]

LOL!!!

[Gemini the Younger]

Next weekend, I won't be here in the Keys, because I'm taking all of my most expensive kitchen equipment, including my extraordinary Vita-Mix blender (can you say "oooh, aahhhh...) to Roger Troy Wilson's house, and by the time I'm done there, I'll bet you a dollar he will have broken down and bought his dear wife Anita the Vita-Mix that she deserves.  I can't wait!    He always brags about the stuff he eats, but poor Neets does everything around the house.  I need to make sure she is provided with the very best, so this is rather a humanitarian journey I am about to embark upon, you see......

Upon my return, ain't nothin' gonna stop me from painting those coconuts pink and getting ready for our coronation gala extravaganza!  (By the way, NJ's going to join us as the strawberry blonde.  You can't have too many berries with Let's Do Lunch, can you?!)

Love,
Mary

Listen dear little sister, you can be all the "Humanitarian" you want, but I'm all about action and getting Neets a Vita Mixer.  I'm a Ditz on a mission and I have a plan.  It's going to take split second timing and a little help from you and Neets, but here's what's gonna happen.

Roger is so proud (and rightly so) of the success of his book, Let's do Lunch.  Neets plays this to her advantage and secretly orders a Vita Mixer from www.Amazon.com (and I'm not to worried about a twinge of conscience in a woman who lets guests assume the beans they're eating are mashed 'taters, to the point of serving up second and third helpings without a confession.)

So, Neets has ordered the Vita Mixer.  When it arrives, out of Roger's sight, she opens the box and quickly places the Vita Mixer on the fireplace mantel.  Next, she uses chewing gum to affix the small brass plaque, (which she had made at a trophy shop while she was awaiting delivery of her Vita Mixer) to the base of the machine.   Now, displayed in a place of honor on the fireplace mantel, stands a Vita Mixer that looks for all the world like a Loving Cup--a Trophy--engraved with the legend:
 

Presented to Roger Troy
On the Occassion of Let's Do Lunch
Reaching Amazon's Top 100 Books
June, 2009

Happily for Neets, "pride goeth before a fall."  (Sorry, Roger; I'm apologizing in advance.)  She calls Roger in to admire his trophy, the Amazon box prominently sitting open at the base of the fireplace.  Neets explains that she heard a loud rattle when the UPS man delivered the box, so she immediately opened it to check for breakage, and this is what she found.  Roger will be so excited, all he'll see is his trophy, not a Vita Mixer.  Of course, forever more, Neets will have to secretly mix, blend and puree in the den, but...hey, it's a small sacrifice for her very own Vita Mixer.

As far as your comment that you can't have too many berries on LDL, Mary, I agree, so long as the berries aren't of the "dingle" variety!



GEM...Booked on the

[tprouty]

How about something for the gardeners out there?

Paper makes great mulch -- keeps the weeds down around your precious vegies, keeps the moisture in the soil, and it's biodegradable "green." That's where a lot of our junk mail goes -- but useless diet books have a similar value!

Terri

[Gemini the Younger]

1.   Pressing flowers (Gemini the Younger)
2.   Propping Table leg (Gemini the Younger)
3.   Toilet paper (mom)
4.   Fire starter (mom)
5.   Donate - does this qualify as a use (isthis4me)
6.   Make a bonfire (Mary)
7.   Build a Tower of Babel replica in Sunday School (Mary)
8.   Shred for green packaging (Mary)
9.   Make art journals (LittlePrincess)
10.   Build a Wall of Jericho replica in Sunday School (Gemini the Younger)
11.   Make Origami (Gwennaford) http://dev.origami.com/diagram.cfm
12.   Make paper beads (Gwennaford) http://www.suite101.com/lesson.cfm/18889/2241
13.   Disposable step stool (AnnieR)
14.   Clean gum off shoes (Lizzy)
15.   Use instead of sandbags to hold back flood waters (Mary)
16.   Coloring books for the daycare kids (BabyAustin)
17.   Put in time capsule for a laugh about the Atkins low carb lifestyle boom (Mary)
18.   Insulate dinners to take to church functions (mom)
19.   Keep spills off the back seat of your car (mom)
20.   Cut out the letters to make anonymous notes to the authors that they need to get a clue. (Gwennaford)
21.   Use to paper train the puppy (Gwennaford)
22.    Megaphone (Mary)
23     Paper crowns from cardboard covers for Dual Ditzes' Coronation (Gem)
24.   Shred them for filler for planter pots (Mom)
25.   Send em back from whence they came (Kathie)
26.   Sell them on Ebay with a disclaimer that if they really want one that is great AND works they should order "LDL" (Beth)
27.   Brickbats to throw at GEM'S Doctor (Lisbeth)
28.   Substitute couch leg (Ritarh)
29.   Glue books together to make spectator's bleachers for Coronation of the Dual Ditzes (Mary)
30.   Shred to make hula skirts to be worn with coconut bras at Coronation of the Three Ditzes. (EnJay)
31.   Mulch (Tprouty
32.  Package filler to protect packages' contents (MOM)

GEM...Booked on the

[Gemini the Younger]

What's logic got to do with it, Mary?  Even as ditzy as I am, I know better than to get in the way of a man and his golf, much less his trophies.  Nope...we're going to have to buy one of those cardboard fireplaces from a year round Christmas store and proceed as planned.  What do you think, NJ? 

Sorry about the fried computer...and no thank you very much!  I'm not interested in your recipe for that disaster.  I just had to order a new laptop myself.  I call my old one Frankenputer, and it's always a toss up as to whether to call a repair person when it's really acting out, or an exorcist.  Among it's many issues the "G" key is broken out leaving a sharp stub like a broken tooth in its place that bites me whenever I type.  You may be able to talk with your son about sensitive issues like dingle berries, but when I complained to my daughter that I "don't have a G-Spot," she blushed eight shades of red and said she didn't want to hear about it.  Sheeshhhh!  Kids!  Go figure!


GEM...Booked on the

[EnJae]

Oh MY!
I had no idea what we were talking about so I looked up "dingleberries"

[EnJae]

Personally, I don't care for those cardboard fake fireplaces.
Whaddya say we sneak in and make one out of bricks one day when RT is out...?

[Gemini the Younger]

Personally, I don't care for those cardboard fake fireplaces.
Whaddya say we sneak in and make one out of bricks one day when RT is out...?

NJ, you're onto something.  How about a fireplace made from diet book bricks?  And then we wouldn't run into any of those Union issues with the Masons.  (Or Dan Brown, for that matter.)


GEM...Booked on the

[Gemini the Younger]

How about something for the gardeners out there?

Paper makes great mulch -- keeps the weeds down around your precious vegies, keeps the moisture in the soil, and it's biodegradable "green." That's where a lot of our junk mail goes -- but useless diet books have a similar value!

Terri

Thanks, Terri...

You're on the list!


GEM...Booked on the

[mom]

Its only useful for a short while, but how about for packing around things you are mailing to the grandkids.  I love popping back in here to see what new way we've come up with to use those diet books.

[Gemini the Younger]

Its only useful for a short while, but how about for packing around things you are mailing to the grandkids.  I love popping back in here to see what new way we've come up with to use those diet books.

We're gonna need a rebirth of interest, Mom, if we're gonna make 1001 uses, but for now, thanks for suggestion #32.  It's on the list!

GEM