Gwennaford's Journal

[Gwennaford]

CAUTION - DON'T READ THIS ENTRY UNLESS YOU ARE FEELING EMOTIONALLY AND SPIRITUALLY STRONG.  IT WILL BRING YOU DOWN.  I PROMISE.

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Looks like I spoke too soon on the junk food comment Friday.  I finally found something that made me binge out of control - EXTREME anger.  I'm not talking just stress & aggravation that you can bring into submission with a quick prayer and a few deep breaths, a walk around the block, possibly even a little tantrum.  I've had those & they are actually sort of cleansing.  Not something I'm proud of, but it happens.  What I'm talking about that happened Saturday was blinding rage at a hate-filled verbal assault on me and one of the kids that made me want to strike out and physically injure someone.  Yuck.  It hurts my heart to bring it up, but keeping it inside is hurting me worse.  I have to get it out.  Since it would be unthinkable to injure someone else, it seems those feelings have turned themselves around to hurt ME.

I can't help but wonder if it was the rage that made me binge, or if it was really the white rice that I ate so blithely the day before because I didn't want to waste a quart of Mary's good soup.  Did I set myself up for a binge, and the anger just triggered it?  Or was it was really the rice and not the attack that triggered my extreme reaction.  Who knows?  Whatever - in the future I will gladly sacrifice a quart of soup to save myself from the pain I'm feeling now.  Better yet, I won't waste good LDL soup trying to tempt my husband's palate.  Finally, I'm going to try very hard to stop trying to make peace in a situation that is not of my doing.

Food Journal - Sat. Jan 24

Breakfast - None - slept in. Kids had to fend for themselves.

Lunch - 3 pm.  Didn't feel like cooking. Sinus heache & bones still feeling effects of cold weather.

 

• Tabachnik brand Tuscan Lentil Soup (brown lentils, celery, onions, carrots, tomatoes, salt & spices)  Very good, exactly like the recipes here.  So don't waste your $$$ buying it
• Half a big bowl of Rolled Oats with Truvia, cinnamon & pinch of salt, a few grapes

Dinner - 6:30 to 8:30 pm.  Ordered Chinese takeout.  Took forever to eat because one of the dialysis machines kept sending out alarms & it seems I'm the only one who can fix those kinds of problems.  Had to reheat my dinner 3 times before I just gave up.

• Chicken in Black Bean Sauce (the fermented kind - tried not to eat much of the sauce)
• House Special Soup minus the wontons (contains all the good veg & a few pcs. of white chicken, lean roast pork & shrimp

  not too bad so far.  Then the bad stuff started & I started eating . . .
9 pm - dried wasabi peas (not made LDL way) & half bag of dried mixed fruit: apricots, figs, prunes (bad to eat so many)
10 pm - second half of my dinner with a big glass of skim milk
11 pm - more dried fruit and big bowl of popcorn, few plaintain chips fried in cottonseed oil (two bad things in one)
12 am - more popcorn and grapes
1 am - another big bowl of popcorn
Finally passed out & went to bed


Sun. Jan 25 - Still feeling angry & awful, missed church for reasons I can't go into.

Breakfast 8:30 am

• Leftover House Special Soup, leftover Oatmeal
• Grapes, more dried fruit, big glass skim milk

Lunch - 2:30 pm

• 2 Lg. Breaded Baked Chicken Tenders w/BBQ Sauce for fork tines, no vegetables or beans
• Big bowl of Popcorn, Grapes, Seltzer

Dinner - 6 pm

• More Popcorn, More Grapes, More Skim Milk
• Rest of the bag of Plantain chips in cottonseed oil (1 bag = 3 servings.  Per serving 150 calories.  Didn't look at fat, carbs or sodium)

 

Finally gave up & went to bed at 7:30 or 8.  Took a big bowl of popcorn & grapes with me & read my book until I fell asleep.

[Gwennaford]

Food Journal - Mon. Jan 26

Breakfast 10 am

• Plain broth
• Grapes

Lunch - 12:30 pm

• Gumbo YY w/T.A.S. & LOTS of extra okra
• 2 glasses Skim milk, Popcorn, Grapes

Dinner - 5 pm

• More Gumbo YY - picked out meat

[Sweet_Pea]

Gwen,

I'm so thankful for you and your  honesty to all of us.  For what ever reason you decided to eat off plan, remarks can hurt so deeply.  I remember not that long ago when eating at a burger place close to us, believe it is called  Gorilla Burgers.  A boy and his dad were sitting close to our table and he started laughing at me and whispering to his dad about me and saying terrible things.  I was so embarrassed and knew my dh had to be also.  That hurt so deeply and never went back to that place.  People can be so cruel.  I guess they need the Lord Jesus Christ in their hearts to make the changes that make them a new creature.  I'm so sorry you had to go through this and Pray God's loving touch to remove the hurt and pain.  You are back on plan so way to go and don't look back, that was yesterday today is a new day.

Love always,
Carrole

[Gwennaford]

Carrole, you are right - people can be cruel.  That's something I have lived with my entire life and have kinda learned to overlook and/or ignore those kinds of comments from strangers.  It is much harder when someone you love and trust spends 15 minutes slicing & dicing you into bleeding little shards when they disagree with you. 

[Sweet_Pea]

Ouch,  That person should be totally asking for forgiveness.  Yes, you are right, when it is a family person, it hurts more than words can say.  I had a little piece of my love for a special family member go away after unforgivable ripping me apart and that happened several years ago and I still find it hard to give freely of my love to this person because I don't want to be hurt again.

I hope you have a great week and God bless.

hugs, Carrole

[patsyfay]

Gwen,

I'm sorry you had to go through that!  Try to remember that they are probably hauling around more awful baggage than you are.  They feel so badly about themselves they have to demean someone else to feel good about themselves.  They haven't learned how to cope and this is what they do to try and make it through. As followers of Christ, this should cause our compassion to rise.  Christ took every offense for us.  My pastor always says we have no right to be offended if we truly believe in all Christ did for us. Our response should be Christ's response...compassion for someone who doesn't know any better and a prayer that they would become children of God.  Please be encouraged!  No matter what those people said, GOD ADORES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!!  Scripture says He can't take His eyes off you, He loves you so much.  To Him, you are a priceless treasure.  I love you.

Pat

[dakotagirl]

I am so sorry that you had to go through that.  Some people just can't hold their ignorance in for some reason!

[niki]

  Our response should be Christ's response...compassion for someone who doesn't know any better and a prayer that they would become children of God. 

  so here's where i let it all hang out and confess that there are times i prefer the company of animals and wish i had a whole family of dogs on a large piece of property in the middle of nowhere...........hey...i'm being honest.....mama dogs DON'T abuse their puppies...they take better care of them than a LOT of humans...they accept you as you are and love you unconditionally....some people have to travel SO far in their lives to experience God's unconditional love because they have NOTHING in real life to compare it to..............bear in mind that i'm a product of my profession in that i see people at their worst and i've been a hands on staff nurse for 37 years, so i've seen A LOT...............
  i'm one of those people who says they're sorry when someone bumps into them....................i NEVER want to intentionally hurt ANYONE...............and when i see people being nasty and rude for NO good reason(because WHAT good reason COULD there be?...none i could ever see)it upsets me.......
  so, we then need to try to see them as the Lord sees them, so that instead of being angry or allowing them to hurt us, we try to see them through the eyes of the Lord which can only bring us to a place where we pity them for their meaness of spirit.............and for that meaness of spirit, God WILL hold them accountable........
    sorry for such an intense discussion...
   

[Gwennaford]

Hey, I started the intense discussion. I REALLY appreciate your words of wisdom, ladies.  I KNOW all this, but it sure is hard to keep it all in perspective when your emotions get all flared up.   

I think I'll print out these comments & carry them around in my pocket for a few days.  It will give me something positive to pray for and to call those things that be not as though they are. 

Thanks

[lifegoeson24n7]

You are a WONDERFUL person, full of hope and inspiration.  Don't let people you do not know and who do not know you upset you!  Definitely don't let them sabotage your efforts.  That just goes to show you, true beauty lies within!  It looks like you are starting to jump back on track.  Keep it up!

--Jill

[Saved4Life]

My gosh, Gwen...I'm sorry you went through that.  People can be so hateful, and that is so beyond my comprehension.

WE LOVE YOU!!!
Doreen

[Gwennaford]

Food Journal - Tue. Jan 27

Breakfast - 8 am

• Finished off the Gumbo YY w/T.A.S. and grapes
• Popcorn & Seltzer

Lunch & Dinner 5 pm

• Cajun-Spiced Chicken Tenders Pan-Grilled in EVOO
• Corn & Peas heated in the chicken skillet, Sliced Tomatoes

10 pm to Midnight Snack while playing Wii with Michelle.  I ROCK at bowling.  Golf is ok - my average is about 12 over par.  Not too terrible for a beginner.  My back & shoulder muscles are starting to get stronger, at least on the right side. 

• More popcorn (need to go back to jasmine tea & return the popcorn to occasional status.  For whatever reason, it has become my "go to" food again instead of making balanced meals.)
  [li]Several glasses of iced tea

[Gwennaford]

Food Journal - Wed. Jan 28

Breakfast - None

Lunch - 4-5 pm   Got tired of living on popcorn, so got busy cooking ahead - red beans, 4 bean salad, huge bowl cut up fruit.

• Popcorn appetizer , Cajun Chicken Tenders, 4 Bean Salad (homemade)
  
• Red Beans, lots of Iced Tea

Dinner - 8 pm?  Skipped it.  Too busy to eat.

• Marinated Fruit & Veg Salad (Peas & Corn, Grapes, Grapefruit, sprinkled w/Paul Newman Light Italian)
• Seltzer w/Lime

Snack - 9:30 pm while Wii bowling with Neil & Michelle
• 1/2 orange & a few bites of canteloupe

[Gwennaford]

Food Journal - Thur. Jan 29

Breakfast - 7 am

• Bowl of Red Beans topped with a Scrambled Egg
• 4 Bean Salad, Fresh Fruit (canteloupe, oranges, grapes), Iced Tea

Lunch - 2 pm

• LDL Chili w/extra Beans, Lettuce & Tomato Salad topped with 4-Bean Salad & Star-Kist pouched Salmon
• Fresh Fruit, Seltzer

Dinner - 8 pm

• Grapes
• Toasted Garbanzo Nuts around midnight

Friday, Jan. 30

Breakfast - none

Lunch - LDL Chili plus Beans, Grapes, Seltzer

Dinner - Large Salad: lettuce, tom, 4-bean, home marinated artichokes, grapes, no add'l dressing.  Chili Beans & extra grapes on the side.  Apple Pear

[Sweet_Pea]

Gwen, I'm thinking of taking some of those bean biscuits to a party on Sunday.  I want to make little sandwiches with little hamburgers.  Do you think they would hold up ok for that and should I make them on Saturday to take on Sunday?  Would appreciate any advice you can give me.

Hugs, Carrole

[Gwennaford]

I would make the biscuits & cook the meat patties and store them separately until serving time.  They hold up better when they are day-old and the texture firms up a little.  I would think they would get soggy & mushy if you assembled them the day before. 

It sounds like a great idea to take to a Super Bowl Party.  Be sure & add them to the list of SB hors d'oevres. 

[Gwennaford]

Food Journal - Sat, Jan 31 - 7:30 am.  Today is our 22nd anniversary.  I spiked a fever last night & I feel terrible.         Going to make some broth & go back to bed.

This is what I dragged into my lair and consumed a little at a time as the day wore on and on and on ...

Two cups of Beef Broth; a giant thermal mug of Jasmine Tea; cut up Fresh Fruit (handful of Grapes, an Apple Pear, an Orange, a Grapefruit)

8 PM - Since today is our anniversary, I dragged myself out of bed, had a shower & fixed a steak dinner for Neil. I cooked a steak for myself (NY Strip, ALL fat removed, very little marbling) and saved it for fajitas or something tomorrow.  I drank a pint of leftover French Onion Soup (homemade), diluted with some more beef broth & put a spoonful of corn in it.  Big glass of Lime Seltzer & back to bed for me. 

LOL - I hadn't PLANNED to have a Fruit & Soup Flush today!  Fever is down, but inexplicably, is still there.  I don't have any other symptoms.

P.S.  Also hadn't planned to have anything else to eat, but I woke up at midnight with all that liquid sloshing around in my stomach & decided I could either have something dry to soak it up - or lose it.    So I had a bowl of popcorn.  Finally got some sleep.

[dakotagirl]

Congratulations on your anniversary, but sorry that you were feeling so horrible.  Take care of you!

[lifegoeson24n7]

Gwen,

Didn't realize you weren't feeling well.  Hope you get to feeling better.  Happy 22nd Anniversary.  Maybe you can have a do-over on the celebration and try for next weekend?  That sounds good 2 me a 2nd celebration for 22nd anniversary.

Jill

[Gwennaford]

Thanks, girls.  Truthfully, with all the holidays, then my birthday on the 11th, then the Super Bowl two weeks later, which is always on our anniversary weekend, then Valentine's Day two weeks after that - we're just about celebrated out.  I have decided to move our official anniversary celebration to August when there are no holidays to compete with! 

I feel a little better today, but I'm still feeling delicate so I'm going to eat carefully.  Fever is down to 99.  I have no choice but to feel better because Neil doesn't have a nurturing bone in his body & he always starts being needy when I get sick.  Today he's being tempted by all the pre-Super Bowl food commercials on TV so he's hollering for me to order pizza.  But I refuse to be derailed.  I told him he could go eat pizza out if he wanted, or I would cook hamburgers later.  Since his behind has grown roots in his recliner, his choice became instantly clear to him - settle for hamburgers!

Food Journal - Sun. Feb. 1.  Super Bowl Day

Breakfast - 10:30 to 12:30.  It took me that long to eat a bowl of oatmeal 'cause he kept wanting attention, so I decided to start his dialysis to keep him busy for a couple hours.  I usually feed him right after starting the machines, so he settles down & takes a nap.

• Oatmeal w/Cinnamon & Nuvia, 5 Orange-Essence Dried Plums (prunes)
• Hot Jasmine Tea

Lunch - 5-ish.  Some kind of bean & veg. soup.  I've got beans soaked & there's a ton of frozen veg.  Maybe some diced chicken thrown in, or I could make some chicken & bean burgers.  I don't think I want to have the leftover steak when coming off a fruit & soup flush.  It's too heavy.  I started the soup, but it didn't get done in time for lunch, so I had it for dinner without the chicken in it.  I made it kinda Tuscan by adding Italian herbs, balsamic vinegar & sun-dried tomatoes.

I tried to make LDL burgers with chopped steak & pureed red beans, but the mixture was too soupy so I mixed in an egg & had to nuke individual portions to get them to set.  The result was ... interesting.  ...reminiscient of Banzo Biscuits, but different...  Too chewy to be a biscuit... too fluffy to be meat.  LOL.  I ate a large one anyway.  It was okay with some BBQ sauce on my fork tines.  Not something I'm going to be posting on the Superbowl hors d'ouvre menu for next year! 

Dinner - 7 pm.  The bean & veg soup, popcorn & fruit (grapes). 

Had another bowl of popcorn in the fourth quarter when AZ caught up & took the lead.  I was SO excited.  This is the only football game I ever watch all year, so I don't have a close relationship with any team, but I've read enough about the Cardinals to think I really wanted them to win.  Besides, the cardinal is my favorite little birdie.  It was my high school mascot.  The East Central Fighting Cardinals! ! !  ha ha - Very fierce sounding, no? ? ?